INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
*frowns in Scottish*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”