Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
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Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Respect
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Received some very disappointing news today
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
British websites use biscuits.
wish me luck lads
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.