*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two