You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
You Might Also Like
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.