‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.