My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
what the
You can’t outrun your problems…
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Legend 🤣🤣
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”