An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Well, this explains it:
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.