One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Just this preview of the story is enough
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I’m crying im so happy for them
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
yes… yes…
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*