There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
You Might Also Like
the simulation is moving too fast
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
mood
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some