When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.