This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Liquor Store Parking
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Left at a local drug store…
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted