I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”