how to screw with your cat’s head 101
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Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts