I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.