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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Investing in beetcoin
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*