I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
The honesty is refreshing
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy