You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
A classic…
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot