Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
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Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Writing, She Murdered.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.