My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
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I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
what it’s like dating me:
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew