“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.