[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
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Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.