Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy