my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
You Might Also Like
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech