“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Love is in the air fryer.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch