[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
You Might Also Like
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering