Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
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That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.