I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
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A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Why I divorced her.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
How does one answer this?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
this came to me in a vision
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else