I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang