Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Pretty much! 😂👀
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Meanwhile in Portland…
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
wait.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?