Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
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ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.