*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
The 6 types of sex
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.