Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.