[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
But I really needed water water water
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.