*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Happy thanksgiving
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.