I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
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Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat