Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
You Might Also Like
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.