Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf