Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
tell em, edith-anne
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system