Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen