I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU