Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.