Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key