[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug