I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
You Might Also Like
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that