– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household