guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Tremendous stuff
let’s discuss
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Ok but actually
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
🙂🐾
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
What a chick magnet..
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
*offers Batman cough drops*