My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.