When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON