[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Room with a view.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.