me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.